ELLEfluence - Blogger and Influencer Programme

Friday, February 10

My Depression Journey

Hey Guys,

This is a more serious post than normal but I thought it is a story that needed to be told because I am one of many that struggles with this mental health problem. I am also one of many that struggled to get help from someone, even after years of struggling alone.

Lets start at the beginning, I knew something was wrong when I was 15 and my household was starting to fall apart my very happy family was no longer happy and my mother was starting to take her anger out on me. This is when my depression was triggered where I was no longer my happy self.

Over the next few months the psychological abuse got worse, she would tell me she wished I was never born and that I was worthless. I was 16 at this point. Not only had I looked after my baby sister since she was born I was the only person looking out for her. My mother had brought another woman in the house that was mentally manipulating her and that meant my mother tried to do this to me.

On a very stormy night in March I tried to kill myself. I have a scar on my left wrist where I tried it is one of my biggest mistakes but also something I look back on and realise how strong I can be. That weekend I moved into my nans whom I still live with. She is my rock and my icon because of how amazing she is.

The next few years I struggled on my own. I cried myself to sleep, I could not sleep, I had so many panic attacks and I just could not concentrate anymore. This was the last bits of my teenage years some of the most crucial in my life with GCSE's and A levels but I was always faking the smiles and the energy I just did not have.

I was like this till I tried to get some help the first time round. The first time round I got cbt help which stands for cognitive behavioral therapy. This did not help. I got told that I was basically flying away from my upset and pain and that I had to go head first into this. This just made me open more wounds and it made me feel a lot lower and  worse about myself.

This all happened till about September 2016. This was when my mental health was starting to put some strain for my relationship, my school work and my work life. I went to get help for a second time, this time they wanted to try me on anti depressants. This is where I am now. They tried me on one set that made me feel the same. I was still having terrible mood swings and sleep was either too much or not an option. Then they put me on the higher dose of the same tablets and I had horrible side effects. Now I am on a new set after being weened off my old ones which literally made me feel so bad and more tempted for self harm.

My journey has been a hard one and I was struggling alone for so many years. I want to help others. I am here to listen. I know what its like. I lost a parent I loved because she made me feel so bad and so negative about myself. She kicked me out of my home and tore me away from my family. However she has made me a bigger and stronger person because of it. I am now more confident and happy because I am without her.

Depression is a monster that lives inside a lot of us as a nearly 20 year old I still fight it on a daily basis even with new tablets. I am trying to find my balance and be the person I was just over 4 years ago.